Excerpts

Excerpt I     Excerpt II

Dear Faye:

Like you, Dad and I have never forged a relationship. We just have nothing to say to each other, and when he asked me what I’m doing besides not dating Jewish men, going to temple or keeping kosher, I started to describe the pornography class I just attended, “How to Break into Adult Movies in Front of or Behind the Camera,” figuring this would deflect from the other issues at hand. (Oh, excuse me, adult films.) I think I might do well in porn: I have strong language skills, express myself well and prefer flexible hours.

The teacher, an ex-porn star turned entrepreneur, was very business-like and adept at applying traditional business principles to the porn industry. Perhaps I was a little too enthusiastic in telling Dad how Stagliano’s Buttman Series successfully capitalized on coupling a unique market strategy with a theme capable of longevity, because Dad looked at me like stared at me and asked, “So, you meet any Jewish guys there?”

Bubby* was surprisingly less frazzled. “I never really understood that stuff,” she said, almost dejectedly, like she had given her best effort, but unlike the blintz, had never been able to master it. “Feh…it always left a bad taste in my mouth.” (The word always troubled me, and I felt faint at the thought of stumbling across the title Bubby Does Brooklyn.)

The evening was hosted by Candida Royalle, a former porn actress turned entrepreneur, yet she was far from flamboyant. There were no handcuffs in her back pocket or toys up her sleeve. In fact, it was hard to imagine her moaning, writhing, gasping or pleading for anything other than a parking space. She was attractive, but in a worn way, as if she was ready to shut the lights with a weary, “Not tonight, Harold, you’ll give yourself gas.”

Candida started out in porn because “it was better than being stuck in an office” and today produces her own adult video line launched with a financial investment from her in-laws. I’d never really thought of porn as a family business, but it seemed to make sense since she met her husband on the set.

Adult film stars are crossing over into a variety of mainstream media, she informed us, and it dawned on me that perhaps I’m going about my writing career all wrong. Maybe I should really consider this business, starting at the bottom, so to speak, to establish a name for myself before making a lateral move.

The night kicked off with a get-to-know-you session, and we worked our way around the room giving our names, ages and favorite porn films. I was at a loss, but quickly made up “On Golden Blond” and heard a murmur of approval from the man on my left. His name was Roy and he appeared to be oiled from head to toe. When Candida asked who wanted to work in front of the camera his hand shot up robustly. In the next row was a guy who had “porn director” written all over him—white Rockports, black socks, plaid shirt, sweatpants and a baseball cap ringed with grown-out balding fringe. I could practically hear him yelling, “Cut, cut. I need commitment, Bambi, take off that tool belt like you mean it. This time I want to see some energy…and make sure both boobs are on camera one.”

Working in front of the camera is psychologically and physically demanding, according to Candida, though “some people can push their talent” which requires “a tremendous amount of physical exertion.” Actors are really “sexual athletes” and they are paid by the act; only those with ambition and energy need apply. A day on the set offers a constant array of activity, “a whole smorgasbord,” she told us. You’ll never do the same thing twice (though you may do the same person twice).
Working behind the camera starts with a successful script. That means a fresh vision, a unique concept and as little dialogue as possible. Erotic content should comprise 75 minutes in an 80-minute film. Good porn is like brilliant Hitchcock, according to Candida. It plays on nuance and subtlety, building tension and suspense. We may know whodunnit but who’s going to keep doing it?

If you’re thinking about pursuing film, Faye, don’t overlook the porn industry. There are numerous jobs available on the set, many the same as you’d find with a traditional film—producers, directors, production assistants—though some don’t exist at all. Look elsewhere if you’re thinking about opportunities in set design or musical arrangement. Other positions offer a bit of a twist: the lady who’s always running out to powder a nose is called a fluffer in porn, a below-the-waist stylist of sorts. There’s also the “c-light” holder who illuminates the all important crotch shot. Kind of like the spotlight on the soprano as she crescendos towards that high note.

Candida opened the floor to questions. A small man cowering in the back meekly broached the “size issue.” “Basically it’s all about proportion,” Candida responded. “If a woman picks it up like finger food, you should probably consider another line of work,” she advised. In other words, put a baby corn in the crudités among the asparagus and it looks ridiculous, but next to the cherry tomatoes it can hold its own just fine. Since we were vaguely on the subject, I tentatively raised my hand. “Speaking of food, what kind of meals are served on the set? Can you cater to a kosher diet?” I asked. She eyed me suspiciously.

Candida passed around Adult Video News which lists the Who’s Who of the industry and a copy of the 10 Commandments of Porn which include: Thou shalt not kill…the mood; Do unto others (e.g. maintain good oral hygiene if you expect your partner to reciprocate); and, Thou shalt not steal…your neighbor’s lubricant. On my way out, I wished Roy zey gezunt at his audition and grabbed the Porn Star Handbook, though I probably won’t attempt to break into the business anytime soon. A grandmother can only take so much mazel.

* Yiddish for Grandmother